Chat with us, powered by LiveChat


Colocation America Reviews: Breakfast

moons over my hammy
01.29.16
Albert

We get a little crazy when we group-Skype, so we thought, “Hey, let’s capture these great moments and put them on the web for four or five people to glance at and then leave.” But then, we had an even better idea: let’s review things. Thus, the first installment of Colocation America Reviews was born. Check back each Friday for more things you don’t care about that we review with authority.


Q.C.      

This week, we’re here with Tony the Tiger as we discuss breakfast! Tony?

Samantha      

I am so stoked – I love breakfast

Chris      

Is that damn tiger in here yet?

Q.C.      

I don’t want to be the one to say this, but I think we’re all thinking it. I think Tony is kind of a jerk.

they are great

Photo Credit: guff.com

 

Chris      

Tony is like a super positive stage parent. Sure, he’s supportive, but deep down, you only know he’s pushing Frosted Flakes on you because his father never supported him in his breakfast ventures

Samantha      

I don’t know enough cereal mascots to keep this going. Isn’t there like a bird and a vampire?

Chris      

Sam, what other breakfast mascots do you remember? I’d like to hear more about your vague rememberings

Samantha      

There are the dudes that live in the tree

Chris      

Right

Samantha      

Or is that cookies?

Q.C.      

It’s both

Chris      

Doesn’t matter, keep going. So we have the bird, the vampire, the tree people, and the tiger…

Samantha      

Um. Well not counting cereal isn’t there the sunny guy?

Chris    

Wait, what sunny guy?

Q.C.      

The Raisin Bran guy?

Chris      

The guy from the Sunny Delight commercial?

Q.C.      

Two scoops?

Samantha      

Isn’t there a like – “eat my breakfast sandwich,” sunny guy?

Q.C.      

Oh him too

breakfast sun logos

Photo Credits (top to bottom, left to right): ispot.tv, ytmnd.com, theflannelaxe.com

 

Chris      

That sounds aggressive. You know, experts say the most important part of your day is getting yelled at while eating breakfast by an aggressive sun-person.

Samantha      

Aren’t there the knock off brands too? Don’t they have their own mascots?

Chris      

Yeah, bagged cereal for poor people

Q.C.      

Crispy Hexagons is my favorite knock off

knock off crispex

Photo Credit: tumblr.com

 

Samantha      

Wait, it’s really Hexagons?

Samantha      

Cereal is so expensive and not even close to the best breakfast food! Go – what is your favorite thing for breakfast?

Chris      

Instead of Fruity Pebbles, they got things like Fruity Gravel. Cheerios are something bland like Toasted O’s

Samantha      

And then there are the special edition ones too

Chris      

Of bagged cereal? What high class low end supermarkets are you shopping at? Limited Edition Fruity Gravel!

Samantha      

Oh, I guess not for bagged cereal but for the branded ones, yes

Q.C.      

Favorite cereal is undoubtedly Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Followed closely by Reese’s Puffs and then Cap’n Crunch

Chris      

Cinnamon Toast Crunch is up there. Even adults can see why kids love it–that’s the mark of a great cereal

Q.C.      

Hahahaha absolutely

Chris      

Same for Kix. Kid tested, mother approved. But it turns out, Kix tastes like sawdust

Samantha      

So the oatmeal peeps came out with a brown sugar oatmeal cereal that I like

Q.C.      

Quaker?

the oatmeal guy

Photo Credit: dailymail.co.uk

 

Samantha      

YEAH!

Q.C.      

Little known fact: Oatmeal was invented in Pennsylvania (source needed) by the Quakers

Samantha      

Is that the only thing invented in PA?

Q.C.      

We also invented the slinky and Heinz Ketchup

Chris      

Ugh, don’t get me started on that Quaker fella. I had a run-in with some Quakers back in 2006, soured me on oatmeal completely

Q.C.      

Hahaha oh, god. What happened? They can get really territorial

Chris      

I don’t want to talk about it. It involved one of their horse and buggies, and a misunderstanding

Q.C.      

I gotcha

Samantha      

Rough life growing up in PA

Chris      

Turns out, you can’t just keep asking if they’ll build you a barn. Mainly because that’s the Amish, and the Quakers DO NOT like the Amish.

Samantha      

I’m guessing you were not planning to keep a horse in there

Chris      

Anyways, back to oatmeal

Q.C.      

Yeah I wondered where you were going with this

Samantha

Me too.

Q.C.

Oatmeal is delicious if you mix some peanut butter in with it; tastes like a cookie

Chris      

It’s a total complimentary breakfast food though. Oatmeal and something else

Q.C.      

I think it can stand alone

Chris      

Get out of here you Quaker POS

Samantha      

Is it better more solid or liquidy?

Q.C.      

If you put a banana, some crasins, peanut butter, protein powder, etc. it can be really great.

Chris      

Crasins? Ugh. God’s abomination of the fruit world

Q.C.      

Hahaha I enjoy Craisins

Samantha      

When are you putting protein powder in your breakfast?

Chris      

He’s trying to get those gains, bruh. It’s all about cultivating mass

Samantha      

No joke though, I have legit seen grown men fight over protein powder

Q.C.      

Well there was a time in my life when I lifted. That time has passed and it has since turned to mush and sadness. But protein powder was involved

Samantha      

Is that what happens to muscle mass it turns into sadness?

Chris      

BroZilla puts protein powder into his everything.

Samantha      

[Insert link here: shameless promotion for BroZilla who is really just Hancock]

Q.C.      

Anyways, we should get back to breakfast

Samantha      

And like to real breakfast? The good stuff?

Q.C.      

Sure. Favorite mainstream breakfast joint, go! Obviously IHOP. Followed by Taco Bell. That AM Crunchwrap is absolutely not to be joked about

Samantha      

Umm Denny’s. What’s in that AM Crunchwrap from Taco Bell?

Q.C.      

Meat, eggs, hash brown, cheese. So good

Chris      

Denny’s takes the cake. Grand Slam breakfast?! Moon’s over My-Hammy?! It’s great.

moons over my hammy

Photo Credit: dennys.com

 

Samantha      

Ok but do you have a favorite place in the world for breakfast?

Chris      

Ever?

Samantha      

Ever

Q.C.      

My grandma’s house. I haven’t been anywhere that comes close to my grandma’s breakfast

Chris      

Pamela’s in Pittsburgh. Or Gab N Eat in Carnegie (suburb of Pittsburgh), where the standard, individual breakfast is enough to feed the whole table. For like…$6.

Samantha      

Wow – that is awesome!

Q.C.      

Chris, have you had the King’s Country Breakfast? Talk about getting rid of a hangover

Chris      

Mmmmm…Country biscuits and gravy

Q.C.      

The KCB is legendary. Cracker Barrel is pretty damn good too

Samantha      

But you realize that our breakfast in America is not like “The Breakfast” of other countries?

Chris      

THIS IS AMERICA

Samantha      

Most egocentric American’s do not realize that

Q.C.      

Sam–what are you getting at here?

Chris      

I don’t give a damn if the UK adds beans, roasted tomatoes, blood sausage and other stuff

Samantha      

The reason I bring this up is because I missed the American Breakfast when I was in England

Q.C.      

If I wanted to eat, I’d go for some of these

breakfasts all over the world

Click on the Photo above for More Images of Breakfasts around the World

Chris      

All of those look phenomenal and delicious

Q.C.      

The vegemite is a little strange. Of course they probably can’t read labels because they’re upside-down in Australia. So, how do you guys like your eggs?

Samantha      

With a meal or by themselves? Very different question

Q.C.      

This topic seems dear to you, so let’s say with a meal. I don’t think I’ve ever eaten eggs by themselves (maybe hard boiled)

Samantha      

Ok, eggs first, I love them in an omelet

Chris      

Sunny side up

Q.C.      

I enjoy them over hard

Chris      

Yeah you do. What about fertilized? Heyooooo, am I right, guys? Guys? Hello?

Q.C.      

Heh. I don’t get it.

Samantha

Let’s talk Potatoes – they are all about home fries/breakfast potatoes – non shredded (although there is something about McDonald’s hash browns)

Q.C.      

Mmmm I never met a potato I didn’t like   

Chris      

I’m starting to come around on the idea of hash browns. I haven’t made them myself yet, but I’m willing to try

Samantha      

I cannot cook them to save my life. Frozen hash browns are the hardest

Chris      

I’ve usually been a home fries guy out of pure simplicity

Q.C.      

I’ve made my own hash browns, they’re pretty easy and even the ones from Trader Joe’s fry up nicely

Chris      

I’ll have to give them a whirl. First, I gotta get a potato…shredder?

Q.C.      

Cheese grater works

Chris      

Grater. That’s what I was looking for

Q.C.      

There it is

Chris      

There’s a place near my apartment that puts the hash browns inside the breakfast burrito like an upscale, less bathroom-inducing Taco Bell.

Q.C.      

Yes. I’ve always put fried potatoes inside sandwiches, like if I’m eating a sandwich and it’s served with fries, I’ll put the fries in the sandwich

Samantha      

The best of all worlds!

Chris      

Well, that’s just the Pittsburgh in you. We put fries on everything

Q.C.      

Yes, so good. People who don’t do that are just silly people and they should be placed into some kind of camp to rehabilitate

Chris      

There’s two types of people in this world:  people who put French fries on everything, and then people who shouldn’t be allowed to vote.

Q.C.      

Exactly. Well, this reviews is kind of a dud, huh? Let’s spice it up a little. Waffles or Pancakes?

Chris      

Pancakes

Samantha      

Pancakes

Q.C.      

Pancakes, too. Well that wasn’t fun

flapjacks

Undisputed Champion of the Breakfast Batters.

Chris      

Although, waffles aren’t bad when you get some butter stuck in the crevices. You get little syrupy butter wells

Samantha      

Awkwardly, I always tend to try and make pancakes under the influence of something, haha

Chris      

That seems like too convoluted of a recipe to make when you’re whacked out of your mind. I wouldn’t want to have to measure and mix stuff while I’m high

Q.C.      

Right. Waffles are good, but only if there aren’t any pancakes around

Samantha      

Bacon vs sausage?

Q.C.      

Bacon. Get out of here with that question

Chris      

This is gonna be blasphemy, but…sausage

Samantha      

Sausage is better

Q.C.      

I don’t believe you guys

Samantha      

Turkey sausage

Q.C.      

Gun to your head, there’s a plate of sizzling bacon or a plate of sausage. You have to eat what you want more and if you don’t (this is a truth sensing gun) it shoots you

Chris      

Sausage

Samantha      

Sausage

Q.C.      

Well, I don’t know why I even work here now

Samantha

We don’t either.

Chris      

Bacon is nice, but it’s a pain in the ass to cook, and everyone’s going a little crazy with the bacon hype

Q.C.      

That makes it less delicious?

Samantha      

Have you ever had chicken apple sausage in your breakfast?

Q.C.      

You know what, I actually have and it was quite delightful

Chris      

No, it makes it more annoying. I don’t need bacon lip balm. You don’t see sausage getting all high and mighty by being in other products

Q.C.      

Hahahahahaha

Chris      

Sausage knows its lane and sticks to it. It’s the King of Breakfast Meats. Bacon is out there trying to get movie deals and stuff, and completely forgot where it came from

is sausage better than bacon

Photo Credit: chefkristina.com

Q.C.      

I agree with that, but that doesn’t make a lick of difference in the taste of a few strips of perfectly cooked and smoked bacon

Chris      

Bacon needs to remember it started as an OPTION, not the default. Bacon or sausage or ham—that’s what it says on all the menus! Not just bacon. It’s an ensemble, not a star.

Q.C.      

Hahahahaha

Samantha      

I fear we have lost all our fan base (if we ever had one) by this conversation on bacon

Chris      

No we didn’t. HI SPICEWORKS.

Q.C.      

I can’t believe you guys. We need a larger voting base.

Chris      

I’m laying out a pretty solid case for sausage over here

Samantha      

I think everyone is just too afraid to not be Team Bacon

Q.C.      

Your case is ridiculous. Nothing about it had anything to do with taste, which is still supreme

Chris      

Sausage allows for much different variety too. Spices, mixes, etc. Bacon is just bacon.

Q.C.      

However, sawmill gravy is legit. Wouldn’t be good without the sausage

Chris      

I’ve tasted regular bacon and I’ve had that expensive center cut. It all tastes the same to BroZilla

Samantha      

Q – at your wedding, can you have a bacon station?

Q.C.      

Hahahahahahha

Chris      

Yo, you should get a sausage waterfall for your wedding. A sausage gravy fountain or something. With biscuits to dip in!

Samantha      

It can make the sausage in front of your eyes!

Chris      

Sam’s onto something here. Get a sausage maker to come and make sausage at your wedding. That’s the gift that keeps giving.

Q.C.      

I’m down for a sausage fountain making gravy at my wedding. In fact, now I’ll be disappointed if there isn’t

Chris      

Sure, you’ll have a lifetime of happiness and companionship with your lover and best friend to look forward to. But think of the sausage!

Q.C.      

She understands her place in my life

Samantha      

Your whole wedding reception would smell of sausage and bacon

Chris      

Best smelling wedding ever

Q.C.      

Food > Steelers > Finance

Samantha      

Finance?

Q.C.      

Yes, and then fiancé.

Samantha      

Ok, I was wondering where she was in the scale

Chris      

Food> Steelers > Finance > Fiancé

Q.C.      

Right. After my finances, clearly

Chris      

Got it

Samantha      

And now CLA Reviews has broken up a wedding

Q.C.      

What’s the problem? She knows this. I have it up on the whiteboard to remind her and she stares at that and wonders how she can move in front of my finances. But she hasn’t been able to break through in 4 years, which is a little sad; I can’t respect someone like that. I’m going to stop talking now

Samantha      

Yeah, you should

Chris      

Tell her to keep her head up, she’ll get there eventually

Q.C.

I hope.

Chris      

Ok, last question: favorite breakfast and why?

Q.C.      

Favorite breakfast food is fried potatoes cooked in bacon grease with scrambled eggs poured over top with mounds of bacon for a side

Chris      

That’s a hell of an order

Q.C.      

#Grandma’sBreakfast

Chris      

Shout out to Q’s GramGram! Sam–favorite breakfast food and why?

Samantha      

I would have to go with a cheese, spinach, and turkey sausage omelet with potatoes on the side! It’s everything that is amazing on one plate.

Chris      

Healthy, filling, and delicious

Q.C.      

Just some raw, unpeeled potatoes?

just some potatoes

Photo Credit: moreinterest.org

Chris      

She eats extremely organic. Doesn’t even wash the potato off

Q.C.      

I’ll say. I’m not here to judge, but…

Samantha      

Well my sister makes the best breakfast potatoes if we are doing family shoutouts

Chris      

Shoutout to Sam’s sister!

Q.C.      

And now yours, Chris?

Chris      

The souls of my enemies. We’ll see you next time! Happy National Breakfast Week!

Again, we never really got around to reviewing breakfast, but as shown by our enthusiasm, we give it two forks up. Remember: Breakfast is the most important meal of the day to get yelled at during by an angry sun mascot!

Leave a Reply

<>