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30 Sep 2016

Colocation America Reviews: Presidents

Chris      

We’re in the thick of the 2016 Presidential Election, with the first Presidential debate happening on Monday. So let’s talk Presidents! First off, if I could sum up my politics in one sentence, it’d be from Nas: “I’m out for dead presidents to represent me.” C.R.E.A.M. Dolla dolla bills y’all

Samantha      

Presidents? What are those?

Q.C.      

I would like to endorse who could have been the best president ever: Alexander Hamilton

Chris      

It was amazing that he was able to get so much done while communicating only in song

Q.C.      

But anyways, let’s start by saying who we’re voting for in this upcoming election

Chris   

I’m writing in Kanye West.

kayne west for president

Q.C.      

I thought he was going to run in 2020?

Chris      

Trying to get the movement started already. KANYE 2020 “HOW SWAY”

Q.C.      

He might be a bigger disaster than what we have now, and that’s with all due respect to Yeezy

Chris      

Don’t you dare say that—he made College Dropout

Samantha      

I avoid conversations of politics so this is a hard one for me.

Chris      

That’s why we’re not going to talk politics and we’re talking Presidents!

Samantha      

We know Kanye is a real runner in 2020.

Q.C.      

Just say Trump (like we all already know) and get on with it

Chris      

First off—who is everyone’s favorite president and why?

Q.C.      

May I clarify the question?

Chris      

Sure.

Q.C.      

Is this favorite while president, or favorite because of their entire, awesome life?

Chris      

Let’s go with the latter first

Samantha      

Abe was pretty cool but I think I have to go  FDR

Q.C.      

Oh, well then it’s definitely Teddy

teddy roosevelt with an elephant

Picture taken back when hunting ivory was about as American as it got

Samantha      

Chris?

Chris      

In terms of sheer awesomeness—Teddy Roosevelt. Anyone that can fight a bear or single-handedly build the Panama Canal by himself over a long weekend is definitely the baddest dude of all time.

Samantha    

Did you know there are only 5 living US presidents

Q.C.      

Are there really? Carter, Bush, Bush, Clinton, and Obama?

Chris      

Yep

Q.C.      

I guess you’re right. Wow–I figured there would be a few more

Chris      

Truman was able to cryogenically freeze himself. Project Manhattan. He’s been living in secrecy with the lizard people under Mount Shasta.    

Q.C.      

Ah, yes. See—I knew there was more. Speaking of Obama, he’d be first on my list of Presidents to get a beer with

Samantha      

Out of the 5 alive?

Q.C.   

No, out of all of them

Samantha      

Oh I would totally have a beer with George W Bush. I know – crazy

Q.C.      

You know he’s a painter now?  He’s not a good one, that’s for sure

Chris      

I’d definitely have a beer with Washington. First question, “Sup with all them wooden teeth?”

Samantha      

He didn’t have wooden teeth. I just saved you a beer.

Chris      

Yeah he did

Samantha      

Sorry—I am stuck on these paintings

Q.C.    

Sam, how could he say he has wooden teeth, but also never tell a lie, if him having wooden teeth was a lie?

Chris      

Oh sorry. I stand corrected–he didn’t have wooden teeth, but he did have dentures made out of OTHER TEETH WTF. That’s way worse than wooden teeth

Q.C.      

Oh that’s awesome. That’s way more badass

Chris      

Wearing other people’s teeth like you’re some serial killer? I mean, if it’s the teeth of his enemies, that’s pretty cool. But just random other teeth? Gross.

Q.C.      

I defeated one of the greatest empires the world has ever seen… and ripped the teeth from King George himself to use as dentures

Chris      

That’s cool

Q.C.      

That might move him above Teddy

Samantha      

He didn’t even want to be president, really

Chris      

Who, Bush? We know. That’s why CHENEY TOOK OVER 9/11 IT WAS AN INSIDE JOB TOWER 7

nine eleven was an inside job

Samantha      

Oh – no, not him—Washington. But that is an interesting point

Chris      

Yeah, Washington was a reluctant first President

Samantha      

I know a lot of random facts about Presidents without looking it up on Google

Q.C.      

Does anyone give a rip about James Madison?

Samantha

James Who?

Q.C.      

Yeah, ignore that. No one cares

Samantha      

You know who was kind of cool for his time? Grover Cleveland

Chris      

Named after the famed Sesame Street character

Q.C.      

Ah, yes.

Chris      

Why was Grover cool? I feel like we don’t hear about these other Presidents

Samantha      

I mean, only because he was single and then got married while president

Chris      

Oh snap. We definitely wouldn’t elect a single person today. Not a chance.

Samantha      

Dear Editor Q – should “President” be capitalized?

Q.C.      

Yes. If you’re typing it on US soil, then yes. That’s how these things work, I think

Samantha      

I guess it is the same as Prime Minister

Q.C.      

Only much better

Samantha      

Can we take a moment here to just say that Churchill is my favorite ever?

Chris      

I once read a biography about Harry Truman in elementary school for a book report. It was the most boring thing I’ve ever read. Probably why nobody talks about those other Presidents.

Q.C.      

Yeah I just looked over a list of Presidents again and wooooboy are there some stinkers in there

Chris

I’ll never forgive Truman for having a boring life.

Q.C.      

Who, besides Truman, faced the toughest problem while in office?

Samantha      

The Civil War was pretty bad

Chris      

Bush, 9/11. Hands down. End of convo….BUT ONLY BECAUSE HE KNEW IT AND THAT’S WHY HE WAS IN FLORIDA WHILE DICK CHENEY WAS FORCING THE US INTO AN ENDLESS WAR!!1! TOWER 7 LOOK AT THE EVIDENCE

Q.C.      

I read that you can see the face of Satan when one of the planes hit the tower

Samantha      

Presidents Review turns into Conspiracy Theories. Who killed JFK?

Chris      

DICK CHENEY

Q.C.      

James Franco killed JFK

Chris      

As ordered by the Illuminati who were ordered by the Reptilians to make a strategic move in the galactic war between themselves and the Grey Aliens

Q.C.      

Under the command of the Plutonians

Chris

NO ONE DENIES THIS.

Samantha

Oooooookay.

Chris      

Who is everyone’s least favorite President?

Q.C.      

Ok, so how far back do we have to go before we reach the first non-lizard President?

Chris      

Aaron Burr was the last non-Reptilian President

Q.C.      

HAHAHAHHAHAHA I love that statement so much hahahah I’m dying

Samantha      

Wait—are we bringing up Vice Presidents too? And how do you know them?

Chris      

I’m gonna be honest. I don’t remember the majority of Presidents

Samantha      

Lease favorite? Lyndon B Johnson

Q.C.      

My least favorite, without a doubt, was Chester Arthur. Talk about a dope

Samantha      

Random question – have either of you ever wanted to be President?

Q.C.      

No way

Chris      

Maybe when I was little and had zero power and felt like I wanted to have some sort of power. But now that I’ve looked at the “before and after” photos of Presidents—NOPE

Q.C.      

Yeah that JFK before and after is a bad look

Samantha      

Chris – you already don’t have a lot of hair…It wouldn’t be that bad, right?

Chris      

I’m not worried about losing hair. I’m worried about looking like I haven’t slept in 8 years    

before after obama

Photo Credit: realclearpolitics.com

Q.C.      

I guess black does crack

Samantha      

Q.C.      

(I’m so sorry guys)

Chris

You should be.

Samantha      

For the record, I am sure he hasn’t slept

Chris      

before after george w

Chris      

before after bill clinton

Photo Credit: newsandfroyo.com

Q.C.      

hahahaha oh god

Chris      

EVERYONE LOOKS WORSE! It does not look fun–you REALLY gotta want to be President

Samantha      

You realize people do age, right?

Chris      

Yes, but like THAT?!

Q.C.      

before after reagan

Photo Credit: time.com

Samantha      

Or it’s just make up

Q.C.      

This guy at least got some color

Samantha      

People may not trust you if they think you look all fresh and clean    

HAHA

Chris      

Ahhh, Reagan. Our last black-and-white President before the universe instituted color

Q.C.      

before after jimmy carter

Photo Credit: realclearpolitics.com

   

I feel like carter just changed the part in his hair

Chris      

Changing with the times, Jimmy

Samantha      

Yeah, what?! No one does that

Chris      

Carter kinda wasn’t the best President, either

Q.C.      

Yeah he sucked. This might be the most jarring change    

before after obama reagan

Photo Credit: getty images

Q.C.      

Now THAT’S aging. I’ll tell ya what, Reagan was all over the place before and after    

 Here he is completely changing races    

Samantha      

Chris – you want to know why you don’t remember a lot of the presidents? It’s because they, well, sucked

Chris      

That’s true. That Truman book I read? I had to either do a book report or a diorama. I opted for the diorama and since there was no exciting parts of the book, it was just two LEGO people standing in a LEGO forest.

Samantha      

Did that work?

Chris      

I got a B. F**k Truman.

Q.C.      

Hahahaha. Dude what? That’s a terrible grade. Did you at least have a bunch of dead Japanese LEGO people lying on the ground or disintegrated into walls?

Chris      

Nah. They didn’t really cover that part in the elementary school biography.

Q.C.      

Oh, well I bet that would get you an A. When Trump invents time machines, I recommend going back in time and adding that

Chris      

I would’ve at least been able to make a cool nuclear reactor or something

Samantha      

Yeah “cool”

Q.C.      

How awesome would it be to be the first elementary school kid to make a nuclear reactor out of LEGOs

Chris      

They would’ve elected me class President

Q.C.      

and I would have given you an A

Samantha      

No – intelligence is not a requirement for Presidents

Chris      

Did either of you run for class office?

Samantha      

Nope!

Q.C.      

Nope, I let the nerds do that, while I played football and did cool things and definitely didn’t play D&D

Chris      

I once ran for class treasurer on the platform that I’d refund any money that vending machines accidentally ate. That was my only platform.

Q.C.      

Did it work?

Chris      

I lost in a landslide.

Q.C.      

Awww

Samantha      

Good try though

Chris      

Thanks guys

Q.C.      

Those Trump branded time machines can’t get here quickly enough for you. I hear he’s ahead of schedule building them

Chris      

I have so many mistakes to correct. Believe me. The HUGEST mistakes

Q.C.      

I’d start with the two mentioned here first. I’m sure they were your two largest mistakes

Chris      

Any other Presidential things we wanna talk about?    

Fun fact: Lincoln was a huge fan of live theater.

Samantha      

Ah so many other fun facts. Fun Fact #1264 in My Head: Thomas Jefferson had a lot of sex with everyone

Q.C.      

“Always keep an open mind. Like me, for example, I don’t really like the theater but I’m going to give it a shot” – Abraham Lincoln

Chris      

HEYOOOOOO

Q.C.      

Lincoln’s last words were “Good thing these tickets were free, Major Rathbone, this play su-“

Chris      

JFK’s were, “What’s that guy doing over on that kno–” BACK AND TO THE LEFT

Q.C.      

HAHAHAHHA

Chris      

9/11 WAS AN INSIDE JOB PERPETRATED BY THE LIZARDS NEVER FORGET! KANYE 2020 “HOW SWAY”! That’s it for today guys. Thank you!

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