We get a little crazy when we group-Skype, so we thought “hey, let’s capture these great moments and put them on the web for four or five people to glance at and then leave.” But then, we had an even better idea: let’s review things. Thus, the first installment of Colocation America Reviews was born. Check back each Friday for more things you don’t care about that we review with authority.
Samantha Walters: First off, like how Pluto is no longer a planet?
Chris L: Neil deGrasse Tyson said so. It’s just science, really
Samantha Walters: real question – who is better Neil or Bill Nye?
Q.C. Crea: Neil
Samantha Walters: Why?
Chris L: I have a soft spot for Bill Nye, obviously, but NdGT brings that science HEAT. I want him to narrate my life
Samantha Walters: I mean, I do dig his comments on like any space movie ever
Chris L: Ok, enough about our favorite science people. Let’s talk planets. Mercury is the first planet from the Sun, rotating around the Sun every 88 Earth Days
Q.C. Crea: prove it–prove it’s exactly 88 Earth-days
Chris L: I can’t, I’m just reading off Wikipedia here. Did you guys know Mercury has no atmosphere, and thus experiences the widest temperature variation of all the planets in the Solar System?
Samantha Walters: I did not
Chris L: Like, it goes from -280 degrees F at night to 800 degrees F during the day. Isn’t that fun?
Samantha Walters: yes, that is just fabulous
Q.C. Crea: it’s also the second densest planet and surprisingly it’s only the 2nd hottest planet
Samantha Walters: Now here is one for you – did you know that the “hottest” plant isn’t closest to the sun?
Q.C. Crea: The hottest plant?
Samantha Walters: Real moment – who else just Googled space facts?
Chris L: Nope, I’m just Wikipedia’ing things. What is the hottest planet then?
Q.C. Crea: Venus ftw, and I would assume the Venus fly-trap is the hottest plant
Chris L: Oh god, Venus is basically a giant fart cloud wrapped around a turd
Samantha Walters: yep – it’s hot enough to melt tin and lead apparently
Chris L: The irony of the worst, most uninhabitable planet being named after the Goddess of Love is not lost on me
Q.C. Crea: The Carolina Reaper is the hottest plant, btw, for those of us still wondering
Q.C. Crea: I wish we called the planets by their Greek names
Samantha Walters: what are their Greek names?
Q.C. Crea: Like Hermes, Aphrodite, Gia, Ares, Zeus, Cronus, and FUN FACT TIME—if this is true–Uranus is Greek. The Roman equivalent is Caelus
Chris L: So many fun facts
Q.C. Crea: THAT’S SO INTERESTING I WANT TO PUNCH A WALL. I only wished we referred to them by that because I want to call Mercury Hermes so badly. The first planet, Hermes
Chris L: Which planet would you live on if you got the chance to? Excluding Earth, obviously.
Q.C. Crea: Mars
Samantha Walters: Q – you stole mine. I’m going with Mars, too.
Chris L: Mars? BORING.
Samantha Walters: honestly, Mars is the first thing that popped into my head
Q.C. Crea: what planet would you pick, Chris?
Chris L: I want to live on Saturn or Venus. Saturn for the views, and Venus just so I can complain about how tough my life is
Samantha Walters: I have to say this just once: women are from Venus and men are from Mars
Q.C. Crea: What about Planet X?
Q.C. Crea: Something amazing just happened. I just Google’d Planet X and THIS [see above picture] came up. Please just look at the first image—that’s a day stopper right there. That’s one of those images where you just pack it up and call it a day.
Samantha Walters: Awesome. So we are dying again? We are always supposed to die…
Q.C. Crea: “before the world is belted by fiery comets following in Nibiru’s wake that will see the planet burn” — quote of the year
Samantha Walters: guys – we only have until April to live. What are your big plans?
Chris L: Gonna try and get in a bunch of theme parks before our inevitable destruction
Q.C. Crea: I’ll still show up to work because I’m dedicated, guys
Chris L: My favorite part about those things is that it always goes, “A giant meteor could slam into Earth! (Or miss us by millions and millions of miles)”
Q.C. Crea: Well that’s obviously because of #SpaceWind–really unpredictable
Samantha Walters: by the way – did you know that the International Space Station is getting resupplied today?
Chris L: How do they resupply it?
Q.C. Crea: UPS just launches one of their trucks into orbit with some random delivery guy and he knocks on the airlock, makes them sign, and then just hits the gas and comes back
Chris L: Still in those classic UPS shorts, and except he has a space helmet on.
Samantha Walters: wait, it’s not UPS doing it? I have been lied to
Samantha Walters: is this how you picture an alien?
Chris L: Absolutely not. I don’t think aliens look like us at all. I imagine they’re products of separate evolutionary lines based off the environments of their planets/star systems. So like, a giant sponge might rule a planet in the Andromeda Galaxy, you know? I don’t think they’re little grey people abducting us
Samantha Walters: ah fair enough
Samantha Walters: so The X Files had it wrong? PS I am so excited its coming back!
Chris L: X Files had it totally wrong
Chris L: I also don’t believe we’ve ever been visited by alien beings
Samantha Walters: the dude from Ancient Aliens would disagree…
Chris L: He’s a crazy person
Samantha Walters: have you seen what happens to his hair as the years go on?
Chris L: It rises the crazier his theories get
Q.C. Crea: Well, I’m the infinite amount of systems out there, wouldn’t it be feasible that one could be little grey aliens? I think you’re shortening your universe-view a little
Chris L: I’m not denying that there might be little grey aliens out there, but that they definitely aren’t visiting us on the regular
Samantha Walters: does that make humans the smartest beings in the universe?
Chris L: Humans are the smartest beings we currently know about
Q.C. Crea: my dog outsmarts me sometimes
Q.C. Crea: why do you think, just for curiosity’s sake, the alien with the cat eyes and long phalanges is the default alien guy?
Samantha Walters: we like the color green?
Chris L: I don’t know why the default “alien” is the grey guy with big eyes and long fingers, but the way I see it, I bet someone described a hallucination they had which included them, and then someone else was like, “I saw that too!” and then it spread
Q.C. Crea: ahhh yes, most likely. Let’s get back to the sponge
Chris L: Yeah, back to the feared Sponge People
Q.C. Crea: is this a giant sponge with like Mickey Mouse hands ruling the planet?
Chris L: Basically. Or like, sponge slugs that slowly move across the planet, slowly cleaning the whole thing
Samantha Walters: or is it more SpongeBob
Chris L: SpongeBob is their king
Samantha Walters: oh ok – with the outfit and all?
Chris L: Yep. Patrick is his right hand man
Chris L: Also, there’s that prevailing theory from that one Uber driver I had that aliens are actually time traveling humans who left Earth and evolved on another planet and are back to see what the fuss was about
Samantha Walters: oh right, and didn’t you discover that it was a plot from South Park?
Chris L: It might’ve been. I was under a few…influences…at the time, so he might’ve just been messing with me
Samantha Walters: the last time I took Uber, we discussed how rare I am for my 5 stars… your Uber drivers seem cooler
Chris L: FYI, I found out my Uber rating is 4.9 the other day. 2016 is the year I get that .1
Samantha Walters: one day, one day
Chris L: What’s your favorite depictions of aliens in movies or TV shows?
Samantha Walters: umm, 3rd Rock from the Sun was great, but I have to go with a Men in Black‘s variety of aliens
Q.C. Crea: Love Mass Effect‘s aliens
Chris L: That’s not bad. Ok, this is going to seem hypocritical, but I do like the depictions of the grey aliens in most media
Chris L: Soft spot for the mini chest-bursting alien from Aliens, as well
Q.C. Crea: oh obviously hahaha
Samantha Walters: who would win Alien vs Predator? I mean I know they did that, but do you agree with the outcome?
Chris L: Wait, who won?
Chris L: Because whoever won, we lost. From what I remember from the taglines
Q.C. Crea: Surprisingly I’ve never seen any of those movies even though they’re right down my alley.
Samantha Walters: we all lost
Q.C. Crea: Humanity lost? Or were the movies so bad that that’s what you mean?
Samantha Walters: both
Q.C. Crea: interesting
Samantha Walters: Predators won in the movie. I think, if I remember, the Predators helped the humans while the Aliens were like “die!”
Samantha Walters: It created a Predalien–an Alien busted out of a Predator’s chest, haha–apparently the Alien stuffed it into the Predator
Q.C. Crea: wait–a Predator and Alien banged?
Samantha Walters: dude – I don’t remember! This movie came out in 2004
Samantha Walters: 15 year old Samantha can’t recall anything! (Legit, I can’t remember 10th grade and there were ZERO drugs involved)
Chris L: Alien vs. Predator was very weird
Samantha Walters: ok favorite alien movie?
Q.C. Crea: Favorite alien movie is probably… Star Wars. Definitely Star Wars
Q.C. Crea: What’s your favorite alien movie and why is it Star Wars?
Samantha Walters: Dude, Where’s My Car? had aliens…does that count?
Q.C. Crea: yes–it counts in much the same way Die Hard is a Christmas movie
Samantha Walters: cool but I have to go with Starship Troopers
Chris L: Alien Abduction: Incident in Lake County
Samantha Walters: oh that one from your childhood?
Q.C. Crea: oh, I think we’ve discussed this one before
Chris L: Yes. If you haven’t seen Alien Abduction: Incident in Lake County, please watch it on YouTube IMMEDIATELY.
Samantha Walters: PS a young Denise Richards and Neil Patrick Harris fighting a “brain bug” should always win for best alien movie
Samantha Walters: Favorite “space” song?
Q.C. Crea: if there’s an answer other than Space Cowboy, then it’s incorrect
Chris L: true
Samantha Walters: Nsync?
Chris L: Yep, that’s the only acceptable answer
Q.C. Crea: you don’t like the Steve Miller version?
Samantha Walters: Steve Miller vs NSYNC
Samantha Walters: umm
Q.C. Crea: oh man
Q.C. Crea: I didn’t even know *NSYNC had space cowboy
Samantha Walters: and PS what is the right way to spell Nsync now? At one point it was N’sync or is it *Nsync
Q.C. Crea: *NSYNC
Chris L: *NSYNC
Samantha Walters: why do you two know and I don’t… what a terrible 2000s girl moment
Chris L: “Space Cowboy” by *NSYNC is on my Spotify playlist
Q.C. Crea: hahaha of course it is.
Chris L: So, they’re planning on visiting Mars sometime in the near future. Would you want to be one of the first people to colonize Mars?
Q.C. Crea: Nope
Q.C. Crea: If I was 70, yup
Samantha Walters: agreed, it would depend on my age, but I am so down. Let me raise a kid or two and then we can go to Mars
Q.C. Crea: it intrigues me
Q.C. Crea: but nah
Samantha Walters: I would love it.
Chris L: I want to go to Mars after it’s been colonized. I want the easiest transition from life as I know it right now. Otherwise, I’m useless.
Samantha Walters: I think it will be a military state
Q.C. Crea: Well I feel like it’ll be a military state for sure, but then you get into– is it going to be the United States of Mars or the United Nations of Mars? And then you just know there’s going to be a revolution because it’s going to take like years for anyone from Earth to qualm any kind of revolt WHICH WILL HAPPEN. So then the Space Outlaws and Space Vagabonds come into play and everything will go to sh*t. So, until it’s a self-sustaining, safe place—like certain areas on Earth—I’m out. But until then, there’s going to be a ton of space fighting.
Samantha Walters: we won the space battle already
Samantha Walters: so United States of Mars
Chris L: Earth Colony 1, Mars. That’s the official Space Address.
Q.C. Crea: that’ll never happen, Chris. Call me pessimistic, but one nation is going to want to space claim it
Chris L: And that nation is…….
Chris L: ALGERIA
Q.C. Crea: OUTTA NOWHERE
Chris L: The Algerian Mars Colony
Q.C. Crea: They’ve been planning it for years, just no one gave a sh*t to pay attention to them
Samantha Walters: and by nation you mean corporation?
Chris L: Algerian Mars Colony presented by Coca Cola
Q.C. Crea: Marsa Cola
Samantha Walters: Mars by Facebook
Q.C. Crea: Exxon Mars
Q.C. Crea: iMars
Q.C. Crea: I feel like it’ll be the Wild West–just outlaws and vagabonds, let me rephrase: space outlaws and space vagabonds all over the place
Chris L: Oh god, I can’t wait to become a Space Outlaw
Chris L: and who stops Space Outlaws? SPACE COWBOYS
Q.C. Crea: AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW YEAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Chris L: IF YOU WANNA FLYYYYY, COME AND TAKE A RIDE (TAKE A SPACE RIDE) WITH A COWBOY, BABY!
(Editor’s Note: We had to end on that bombshell, but we think space is pretty awesome. On a scale of 1-10, we give space an ∞)