Colocation America Reviews: Conspiracy Theories

12.18.15
Chris L

We get a little crazy when we group-Skype, so we thought “hey, let’s capture these great moments and put them on the web for four or five people to glance at and then leave.” But then, we had an even better idea: let’s review things. Thus, the first installment of Colocation America Reviews was born. Check back each Friday for more things you don’t care about that we review with authority.


It’s time for Colocation America Reviews: CONSPIRACY THEORIES

Chris L: Awwwwwwww snap! It’s time once again for CLA Reviews, where the staff of Colocation America takes a long, in depth look at some of their favorite stuff without ever coming to a definitive conclusion or actually reviewing it. This week, we tackle CONSPIRACY THEORIES! Spooooooooooky.

Samantha: This whole thing is a conspiracy…

Chris L: You got that right. This is my plot to take over the world– I’m a lizard person. Here’s a current list of Lizard People in Power

Samantha: Well, we knew that. So what is your favorite conspiracy?

Chris L: My absolute favorite conspiracy theory is that one day we will all be rounded up and placed into a secret underground city beneath Denver International Airport, as part of a much larger conspiracy of world domination by a secret, powerful organization

Q.C.: Jar Jar Binks was a trained Force user and a knowing Sith collaborator.

Chris L: Q–do you subscribe to that theory? As a fan of Star Wars, that has to hurt your entire view of the Universe, because literally the worst character of all time is somehow the most important cog in the story

Q.C.: It makes me chuckle quite heartily–it’s my favorite conspiracy theory, but I do not subscribe to it hahaha

Q.C.: Let’s go back to the whole beneath Denver’s airport thing. What’s this about?

Chris L: Okay, so the Illuminati/Lizard People/Dick Cheney will eventually round us up and place us in a giant underground city beneath DIA and the best part is that they told everyone their plan through a series of murals throughout the airport.

Samantha: this is a thing?

Chris L: This is 100% a thing. There are depictions of dead people, burning cities, Freemason symbolism and a whole host of other stuff. And they painted it all in murals along the walls of the terminals

Q.C.: This may be the most incredible thing I’ve ever seen

Chris L: If former Minnesota Governor and professional wrestler Jesse Ventura believes it, it has to be true. He was ‘The Body’, after all. That’s actually how I base most of my beliefs. “Does Jesse Ventura believe in this?” WWJ’TB’VD?

Samantha: where are you two coming up with these conspiracies?!

Chris L: THE INTERNET, SAM. What’s your favorite conspiracy?

Samantha: the man on the moon, duh

Samantha: the greatest conspiracy of all (who cares about JFK dying – it’s all about the fake moon walk)

Chris L: Do you think we landed on the moon?

Samantha: I don’t know but I can’t explain the lighting–it seems a little staged to me

Chris L: Didn’t Mythbusters attempt to debunk the “We didn’t land on the moon” crowd?

Samantha: I hope so

Chris L: Also, whatever you do, DO NOT tell Buzz Aldrin we never landed on the moon. He will punch you in the face:

Q.C.: Mythbusters did do something about the moon landing:

Samantha: Guys – real life, I am too lazy to watch this right now… What is the verdict? Is it a hoax?

Q.C.: It’s not a hoax because ‘MURICA

Samantha: Darn there goes my conspiracy!

Q.C.: Elon Musk is an alien who crash-landed on Earth and needs our help to build a new spaceship in order to get home

Chris L: so he’s like ET?

Q.C.: basically

Chris L: Elon phone home?

Q.C.: Exactly.

Chris L: What if you get onto a Space X ship, and instead of various high-tech controls, it’s just a Speak N Spell and a record player?

Q.C.: haahhahahahahaha. that’s all it takes

Chris L: That’s why it keeps crashing. They haven’t mastered Speak N Spell technology yet

Q.C.: hahahahha oh god

Q.C.: I remember reading about the US government’s MK Ultra Project a while back. Mind Control is a powerful thing

Chris L: Ohhh, Mind Control is always fun. Is that the one with the tests from like the 70’s and LSD?

Q.C.: yeah it’s the one with the LSD

Chris L: What if they gave all of us mind controlling LSD and told us that we landed on the moon even though we didn’t?!

Samantha: Well rumors have it the US is behind LSD anyways…

Samantha: Speaking of the US government – did they hire Booth to kill Lincoln?

Q.C.: Woah woah woah

Chris L: What’s this about the government hiring Booth to kill Lincoln? I was under the impression he was a huge fan of the South and got all, “I’ll show him! Pow pow pow!” thing

Samantha: You haven’t heard this?! What?! Yeah they hired the actor to kill him

Chris L: I thought Kennedy had the market cornered on his own government setting up his assassination

Samantha: Well when in doubt blame the government

Chris L: THANKS A LOT, OBAMA

Chris L: Ok, let’s talk about this one, as it seems to be the most recent, most prolific….was 9/11 an inside job?

Q.C.: I heard speculation that jet fuel can’t melt steel beams. Is this true?

Q.C.: Let me rephrase. Jet fuel that’s ON FIRE can’t melt steel beams

Samantha: Umm I don’t know – can we phone a friend?

Chris L: Jet fuel 100% can melt steel beams, but definitely not dank memes. Also, check out this guy totally debunking that notion of jet fuel/steel beams.

Samantha: I went down a rabbit hole and found the real conspiracy conversation we should be having: Harry Potter’s conspiracy theories.

Chris L: As for Harry Potter, I’d love to hear what you think about this, as I have no knowledge of the Potter-verse

Q.C.: Wow some of those are stretching it a bit

Samantha: Like legit all of them. Clearly Harry and Hermione are siblings. Side note: apparently the first generation of Hermiones and Malfoys are upon us

Q.C.: I think we’re heading into “Fan Theories” on this one, which, I guess the Jar Jar one is a “Fan Theory” too hahaha

Samantha: Wait what is the Jar Jar one?

Q.C.: It’s way up at the top

Samantha: Is there any conspiracy that really makes sense? We need a Hodgens from Bones up on this

Q.C.: All conspiracies make sense to those who believe them

Samantha: Can we go to aliens? Does the government know about aliens? Are the X Files real?

Q.C.: Of course they are

Samantha:  Did you know that the government admitted they were behind the crash at area 51?

Q.C.: They did? Military experiment?

Samantha: yeah, they were testing some sort of flying thing

Chris L: I believe a few years ago, the government finally admitted to the existence of Area 51. Which means that they took all the secret stuff at Area 51 and moved it… to Area 52

Samantha: yep

Q.C.: lmao that makes perfect sense

Q.C.: Did y’all know that Throwback Thursday was created by the NSA to help build facial recognition programs and gather photos that otherwise would not be available online.

Samantha: but let’s take a moment and think about the NSA creating Throwback Thursdays – genius!

Q.C.: Right!?

Chris L: My tin-foil hat just got piqued by this NSA/#tbt thing

Samantha: for all we know, the NSA has been employing social media specialist

Chris L: That guy is great at hashtags. I’d love to see some references to this NSA thing

Q.C.: speaking of tin foil hats…

Q.C.: Here you go… You don’t think they’re utilizing this technology for facial recognition technology?

Chris L: Holy hell, those GCHQ tools are scary

Q.C.: Additionally, I love alternate universe conspiracies. Like the Berenstein/Berenstain bears alternate universe theory.

Chris L: Oh yeah, let’s dive into this

Q.C.: Had that one saved from when we talked about that a few months ago lol. I CLEARLY remember ‘Stein’ not ‘Stain’.

Chris L: Do you think that my Uber driver was correct in saying that we live in an alternate universe that separated due to the impact of the 2000 US Presidential election? And could the the Berenstein/stain argument be proof he is correct?

Q.C.: I can almost feel the ripples in time-space when I think about this one. Almost like an other-worldly force is jamming the signals in my brain. Cause I was 10 at the time. My brain was ripe for being manipulated by the unknown forces of space-time

Q.C.: Sam, do you remember Berenstein or Berenstain?

Samantha: (we have all been saying Bernstein bears wrong)

Q.C.: So it makes sense that my underdeveloped brain would have no comprehension of the impact of an election such as that. Therefore, I wouldn’t even realize I fell into an alternate universe until something very distinct from before that time, like the Berenstain Bears would trigger a brain-response which can be named nothing other than a brain f&%$. Now, a fully developed brain would understand what was happening, but not understand shifting dimensions. It would “fool” the brain into thinking nothing happened (like some people postulate kids see ghosts more than adults because the adult brain can’t logically explain what it’s seeing and therefore doesn’t “render” the ghost, unlike the fledgling child-brain). Anyways, my point here is that Al Gore, seeking retribution, has been slowly and methodically raising the temperature of the Earth to try and facilitate another rip in time-space to go back to the dimension in which he won the election.

Chris L: Continue…

Q.C.: There’s this

Q.C.: And this

Chris L: Oh god, he’s bringing the facts, too

Q.C.: Many of these articles are hiding behind the façade of El Nino

Chris L: Can you type up this theory and put it on a Geocities website with a bunch of whirling sirens, maybe a dancing baby or two? Don’t forget the MIDI file of spooky music

al gore

Al Gore trying his hardest not to let his true lizard form show…

Q.C.: I don’t speak Spanish well, but my loose translation leads me to believe that “El Nino” means “Manbearpig”

Chris L: Keep going…

Q.C.: Also…

Q.C.: Al Gore…

Q.C.: El Nino….

Q.C.: 2 letter first name, 4 letter last name

Chris L: OH

Chris L: MY

Chris L: GOD

Chris L: rips glasses off

Q.C.: Hey guys, I have to investigate this rapping at my office door. That’s weird, I wasn’t expecting visitors….

Chris L: Hmmmm…

Q.C.: Give me a second here

Chris L: I mean, I probably wouldn’t…Given the subject matter

Q.C.: Ok, it was just the UPS guy

Chris L: Oh, good. Were you expecting a package?

Q.C.: No, but I’ll just put it in the corner for now. I’ll open it in a bit

Samantha: You know what they say, “behind every good conspiracy is UPS”.

Chris L: I love that that’s UPS’ new marketing slogan.

Q.C.: Interesting absence there, Sam. Don’t talk for a while and suddenly, after I receive this package I wasn’t expecting, you show up

Samantha: sorry, I had a phone call with the government and they said stop

Chris L: Yeah, your absence was very….CONSPICUOUS

Q.C.: AYOOO

Q.C.: Wait. Did they call you?

Samantha: wait – you guys know my aunt is a Congresswoman, right?

Q.C.: What’s her party? Is she democrat?

Samantha: Everything you have said, I am taking straight back to the government

Q.C.: Why would you do that?

Samantha: nope, not Democrat. But parties are overrated

Q.C.: Oh, then she subscribes to the notion that the liberals control the weather, right? Which, I don’t even think I need to source. It’s just that obvious.

Samantha: Trumps hair is running for president so clearly it doesn’t matter any more

Q.C.: https://www.algore.com/. Look how frightening that first slider is

Samantha: climate change is scary?

Q.C.: Al Gore getting more politicians in his pocket is scary. Haven’t you been listening?! Oh god, they wiped her memory

Samantha: climate change – real or not?

Chris L: DO NOT CONTINUE FURTHER ONTO LEADER GORE’S WEBSITE.

Q.C.: There’s something far more sinister afoot than asking that question

Q.C.: Actually, this doesn’t make sense. The government, as it stands, would want to prevent Gore from going back. Unless, the people he’s teaming with would hold higher positions had he served in the Oval Office. In which case, why would the government want to wipe Sam’s memory, and take over Chris’s computer? UNLESS….

Q.C.: THIS HAS BEEN THE DIMENSION WHERE AL GORE HAS SUPREME EXECUTIVE POWERS ALL ALONG.  He hasn’t been trying to open another rip in space-time–he’s been trying to seal any that pop up!

Chris L: BOW TO OUR OVERLORD GORE! ALL HAIL SUPREME LEADER GORE! MASTER OF THE LIZARDS! CONTROLLER OF THE CLIMATE! RULER OF SPACE AND TIME AND CLIMATE!

Samantha: Guys – just stop, we all know it’s the same people that have been in power since white folk crashed into this land

Chris L: AL GORE WAS ON THE MAYFLOWER

Samantha: time travel?

Chris L: AL GORE IS FOREVER AND ETERNAL! ALPHA AND OMEGA! PRAISE OVERLORD GORE! TIME ETERNAL!

Samantha: sorry – one last thing – is Al Gore real or is he in our imagination?

Q.C.: Guys…Al Gore…GA LOER…GAOLER

Q.C.: He’s the keeper of our prison

Chris L: HAIL GAOLER GORE!

Q.C.: he’s the Gaoler, the supreme overlord. Albert Gore…GLOBATE…HE IS THE GLOBE! The jailer of the globe!

Chris L: HAIL GLOBATE GAOLER!

Q.C.: GLOBATE GAOLER’S GLOBAL JAIL IS UNDER DIA. DENVER….DENVER, COLORADO

Q.C.: COLORADO AVALANCHE = ILLUMINATI CONFIRMED

Samantha: we should just ask Jay Z

Q.C.: Wait

Q.C.: Former Colorado Avalanche goalie Patrick Roy is the Gaoler of the DIA prison apocalypse thing, brought on by the 2000 election, where #tbt is used to generate what everyone looked like in the year 2000, so when Al Gore goes back in time he can know what everyone looks like and take out his competition

Chris L: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH.

Q.C.: It all makes sense now. I can’t believe I’ve been so blind. It took a Children’s book series for me to see it all straight

Q.C.: well, that and a box of Sour Patch Kids

Samantha: it makes sense as to why he is obsessed with climate change – he knows what the future holds

Q.C.: To sum all of this up: JFK caused WW3. He sent himself back in time to kill himself, causing a paradox and prevented WW3 from happening. That’s what I’ve learned from all of this, which I’m sure you guys have too

Samantha: I feel like we really blew the doors wide open on this one! Great job everyone!

Chris L: ALL HAIL GLOBATE GAOLER!

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